We are too loud, we are too strident. We should protest, but gently, softly. (Not unironically, very much like the sweet, girlish voice of Dr. Blasey Ford, whom they politely pretended to listen to, before ignoring.)
When it comes to rape myths, that battle is already won, or almost won, at least in SoCal. As I walked around downtown LA with my “No Shaming This Slut” Slutwalk sign, people asked about it, and everyone nodded their heads in agreement, that of course no one deserves to be raped because of what they are wearing. (There may be a few troglodytes who still feel differently, but they are also the tinfoil hat kind who believe we faked the Moon landing, so, whatevs.)
I avoided the #AskELJames Twitter party/skewering, because generally, I don’t “do” Twitter, FaceBook events, and the like, but found myself in some interesting group discussions about it, and her work, anyway. Some female writers I know, along with EL James herself, vigorously deny the reality that, as depicted in Fifty Shades of Grey, Christian rapes Ana.…
Good relationships (sexual and otherwise) are all about respecting the autonomy of the other person. The goal should always be not to satisfy yourself, while the other person feels used, betrayed, or hurt (Win-Lose). The goal should be finding a way to satisfy your own needs while the other person also feels satisfied (Win-Win), whether than is in selling a car for a fair price, or entering into a polyamorous relationship.
The tape running in my head, over and over during this time, was, “Remember every detail you can, so they can get this guy,” but somehow, almost nothing stuck. The only detail that burned into my brain was his boxer shorts: light blue, solid, with no pattern, with white trim around the edges.