R.E.S.P.E.C.T. – for Aretha, and Ariana

Posted on by Beverly Diehl

We all know that Aretha Louise Franklin, Queen of Soul (so designated by anyone and everyone who listens to music) passed on August 16, 2018. (Concidentally the same day that Elvis passed, in 1977.)

There is sooo much that can and should be said about Aretha – who could go by her first name and everyone knew who you meant. NOBODY could sing like her – she could take a song, like Otis Redding’s Respect, and make it her own.

So as a preacher’s daughter, and a gospel singer who was still deep in her roots, she had a very long (8 hours+), very traditional black funeral. There were a plethora of singers and speakers to pay tribute to her, from other R & B singers to country’s Faith Hill and Ariana Grande, a 25-year old pop singer who, like Aretha, was performing long before she was a “Natural Woman.”

The day should’ve been about respect for Aretha. But Bishop Charles Ellis decided to make it about him.

He decided to fondle Ariana’s breast. And the TV cameras and still photos captured every moment of panic and discomfort on her face, of his fingers wiggling over her, even though it was brief.

He even negged her, as a way of further putting her in her place, making a joke about her name being a menu item at Taco Bell. (Negging is a power technique used by people to manipulate and make another person feel lesser, “You’re really pretty for a [fat girl, black girl, Jewish girl – insert the insult of your choice]. Because then you will be GRATEFUL this magnificent person is deigning to condescend to you.)

This kind of quick, casual sexual assault happens to women (and sometimes to men, and boys) ALL THE TIME. It happens so fast, and sometimes in public – surely they wouldn’t have done it in PUBLIC. On the pulpit. We are in shock and telling ourselves, wow, this not actually happening – is it? By the time we assure ourselves, Yes, this is happening, it may be over. Then what?

I’m very happy that for the most part, people are saying, Bishop Gropy Hands had no business touching her, PERIOD, let alone fondling her breast. He’s given a half-assed apology, saying the Taco Bell joke was in poor taste (yes it was) but that he wasn’t aware he “crossed a border.”

Bullshit. Either way, he looks terrible. Either he did it knowingly, or groping young women is such a matter of habit to him he doesn’t even notice when he’s doing it. My money’s on a steady stream of young women he’s “ministered to” in similar fashion coming forward in the next few weeks.

A few have blamed her for not punching him in the ‘nads. I guarantee, the first time a young groping victim DOES punch their groper in the nads, they’re going to get assaulted again, by all the defenders who will say they “misunderstood,” or were mistaken, how could they be so mean?!?

But it all comes back to the idea that strangers don’t need to be touched by us in the first place. EVER. I recently had an online conversation with someone who identifies as a “touchy-feely person.”

Break that down. One translation is: my need to express myself by hugging people, is more important that the fact that hugging someone without consent could make them very uncomfortable. Some people are on the autism spectrum and hate being touched by ANYONE, let alone a stranger. Some people are not on the spectrum but also hate being touched. Still others might be up for a hug most of the time, but today, they’ve just had a mammogram, or are coming down with a cold, or just are at the brim of too much touch for the day.

Your desire to touch someone does not override their right to not be touched.

You can be a touchy-feely person, and still ask before you hug someone. In fact you always should. Get consent – for physical touch that is nonsexual, or physical touch that is sexual. Adopt the crazy idea that OTHER PEOPLE ARE ENTITLED TO BODILY AUTONOMY. You can ask verbally, or you can open your arms, and wait half a beat, see if the target of your affection moves toward you, takes a step back, or looks conflicted.

This is how you show people Respect.

 

2 Replies to “R.E.S.P.E.C.T. – for Aretha, and Ariana”

  1. Another aspect of the lack of respect for Ariana were those who got on Ariana’s case because her dress was “too short” for a funeral, so I suppose that gave the bishop the right to grope her? I hadn’t heard of shaming her because she didn’t kick him where it hurts. So, her dress is too short, her skin is too dark so of course she is Hispanic), she didn’t have the right reaction when she was assaulted in public at a FUNERAL, etc. Too many out there that still don’t “get it”. Maybe they never will “get it”. Oh, Aretha. They still don’t get it.

    1. I imagine we’re going to find a bevy of women who got groped by this dude, short skirt or choir robe.

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